Module 3 Name Your Standards

I'mperfect

Can you relate? 

Do you ever think you're just not good enough? Do you ever overthink things way too much? Do you ever think that life is just way too hard? Well, fear not, you are not alone. 💪💓

My internal voice

I like think that I am a person who always has everything in order; that my life is just peachy keen. I mean, on the outside looking in, people think I've made it. I have a stable job, I make decent money, I have a home, and I'm getting married soon. But, when I'm alone, I tend to think about the things I don't have, what I'm not good at, and where and why I fail. People say to "give your best" and that as long as you've done that, then you can't feel guilty about failing. Can I actually believe that after being admonished so much even when I give my best?

My fiancée is such an optimistic and bubbly person, and she says that "life isn't worth sweating the small the stuff - and it's all small stuff." She tells me that we have it pretty good and that "things could always be worse." So why do I look at the glass half empty so much more than people like her?

I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my personality and why I am the way I am. I hold myself to high standards; heck I've always been that overachieving person no matter if it kills me. Sleep, food, and exercise go out the window when I have a task that needs to be done. I could call this discipline or diligence, but...am I actually lying to myself? 

Do you have a version of this voice?

I believe that somewhere inside all of us lies an internal voice, some more naggy than others. This part of me is relentless; a taskmaster, disciplinarian, tyrant, and dominator. This voice wants success from me at all times, no matter the circumstances or the cost. No matter how much anxiety I go through, this voice leads me to believe I am "weak," a "failure," or a "loser."

There's nothing wrong with a good kick in the rear-end when things get tough. For example, to overcome mental barriers as a competitive runner, I used that internal voice for good. When my body was tired and wanted to give up, my mental strength carried me through many training sessions and races. 

Where did this voice come from? I often wonder if it's genuinely mine. Maybe it's an aggregation of my personal experiences over the years; friends, colleagues, parents, coaches, and teachers. In fact, there are some key, defining moments I can point to that I will never forget. I remember that feeling of being the weak link in a sports game, of getting a bad grade, of getting punished. I never want that to happen again because those are painful moments. Is this why I hold myself to such high standards?

My standards

I hold myself to standards somewhat centric to to a high achiever (though some might say overachiever): never missing church each week, straight A's in school, max scores on my annual Air Force fitness tests, top quality deliverables at work, constantly having my yard edged and mowed, keeping a spotlessly clean house, and maintaining low spending by eating at home and buying only necessities. Upon reflecting on MSLD 500's material and the Paulian method/standards of thought...I would call these standards: professional/academic, athletic, and lifestyle (Paul & Elder, 2020, p. 19). These have defined my life in subconscious ways; they've defined what's important to me. Nosich (2012) defines the standards of thought from a different point of view and led me to reflect on how and why I hold myself to certain standards of my own (p. 133). 

Due to holding myself to what I call "Standards of Excellence," I've experienced a lot of great successes. I graduated in the top 5% of my high school class, I went to the Air Force Academy, I competitively ran for a top school in the state and then in college, and I've won many awards in my professional career so far too. I recognize that I've worked tirelessly for some of these accolades no matter the cost. 

Part of me thinks that I have to prove my worth to others, my family, and myself, but another part of me wonders if it's all for nothing. Will my mom and dad still be proud of me when I fail? What will my fiancée think of me if I give up? What kind of example would I be to my future children if I don't always try to be the best?

I often wonder where I acquired these standards. I believe that, like my internal voice, my standards developed through a series and multitude of separate events throughout my lifetime...from what my parents want me to be, how I want to appear to others, and how I feel about myself. Even the friends I hang out with, the military in general, the assumption of the role of an "officer" in the military...all of these have formed who I am and changed me along the way.

How my standards have changed

I would be lying if I told you that I never fail and that I always uphold my standards. To tell you the truth, it's impossible. My standards are outlandish and out of reach the majority of the time. While doable in my earlier years, I haven't been able to maintain the same high levels of success that I always used to. It really has been tough on my psyche and I begin to wonder who I am.

I've had to change. While I was a standout in high school academics and sports, I didn't experience the same at the Air Force Academy. I mean, everyone else was the same out of their respective high schools - competition was tougher. What I was not prepared for was learning how adult life is even tougher still. Life isn't fair, and you just have to deal with it. 

I still strive for high marks in school and to still max my fitness tests, but I have learned to be okay with myself when I come up short. Rather than a straight A student, I became an A and B student, rather than maxing my fitness test, I became okay with a 90%. Even my dad gave me some good advice regarding my house cleaning routines. He said that "you have to be okay with living with dirt" because you can never get a house 100% clean; a.k.a. it will never be perfect.

Maybe that's alright. Maybe I don't have to be perfect. Heck, Tom Brady retired from football after losing in his first playoff game of his last season; he didn't go out with a Super Bowl win (Darlington & Schefter, 2022). Not everyone can be at the top forever. Nobody is perfect. I suppose I have to come to terms with that.

Is perfection my enemy?

Do other people have this same view; these same standards? According to Mel Schwartz (2021), a psychotherapist, many individuals he treats are driven to achieve a state of flawlessness - they are in pursuit of perfection. These individuals believe that perfection is desirable which includes perfect grades, perfect reports at work, bowling a 300, or having a surgeon perform a perfect operation. But, he suggests that humans were never intended to be perfect. "Consider the expression, 'I'm just human'" (Schwartz, 2021).

Striving for perfection can cause unnecessary stress in our lives, on our relationships, and also reject our appreciation for the imperfect. For example, most of us are judged based on grades we receive rather than what we've learned. Would picking apart the imperfections of a sunset ruin the moment of uniqueness and beauty? Why is it that our partners often love the imperfections we don't like about ourselves?

After reflecting, something I find interesting is that, in my opinion, people actually like imperfection. People love the story of the underdog who overcomes in the face of adversity. People are often inspired by imperfection because they can resonate with stories of struggle. People are drawn to those charismatic people who are comfortable in their own skin and being their own unique selves.

Schwartz (2021) argues that individuals who seek perfection are more insecure and sensitive to the judgements of others. Perfectionists tend to think other people are better than them, so they need to be perfect to catch up. The problem is that perfectionism chains us down; it limits our ability to be present and "robs us of the vitality of life." 

"The only perfection is in being present, yet the perfectionist is never present" (Schwartz, 2021).

According to Schwartz (2021), he often sees individuals plagued by a relentless measuring of themselves; an internal dialogue of self-criticism. The problem with this is that this self-talk gets in the way of living life in the moment, and makes us miss valuable experiences. Our relationships suffer because we cannot be as present for others. Schwartz (2021) argues that negative self-reflection and self-assessment hinders our ability to experience the flow and beauty of life; for example, he wonders if sports scorekeepers actually get to experience "the poetic elegance and flow of the game." This is not to say that there isn't such a thing as positive self-reflection. But, as humans, we have to be cognizant of what is beneficial and what is self-inflictive and harmful to our well-being. 

What I've Learned

For myself, I've experienced how adhering to my "standards of excellence" hinder the success of my relationships with others. There was a time where I wouldn't call home for weeks because I was so focused on my tasks. I would stay at work until eight or nine o'clock some nights. While I don't stay late at work any longer, I find myself working through lunch and skipping workouts. I've grown out of shape and have started to wonder if I'll ever feel or be the same person I once was. 

My desire for high marks in school partially comes from the Air Force's Tuition Assistance programs which requires A's and B's to qualify for funding. But, I also have a chip on my shoulder because I didn't do as well in college as I would have liked; this resulted in me being rejected from many programs and opportunities. So I suppose I'm trying to boost my resume and tell others that I'm better now and mean business. But, I've noticed that it is at the detriment to my personal life. I hardly sleep, I don't do anything relaxing on the weekends, and I have little time to call or visit family or my long-distance fiancée. 

This reflection blog made me realize that I need to learn to let some things go. I need to be okay with being imperfect. I need to value the people in my life more than I need perfect scores on my assignments or fitness tests, or even having a spotless house and yard. These standards are harming my own body by causing undue stress, anxiety, lack of sleep, lack of proper nourishment, and lack of exercise. Life is about balance. Life is meant to be beautiful. Life is meant to be imperfect...and that's okay. I am good enough, and so are you. After all, we're only human.

I am perfect...I'mperfect...Imperfect

Your imperfect example,

Chad

References:

Darlington, J., & Schefter, A. (2022, January 29). Tom Brady retiring after 22 seasons, seven Super Bowl wins with New England Patriots, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, sources say. ESPN. https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/33173652/tom-brady-retiring-22-seasons-seven-super-bowl-wins-new-england-patriots-tampa-bay-buccaneers-sources-say

Nosich, G. (2012). Learning to think things through: A guide to critical thinking across the curriculum (4th ed.). Prentice Hall. 

Paul, R., & Elder, L. (2020). The miniature guide to critical thinking concepts and tools. Rowman & Littlefield.

Schwartz, M. (2021, April 5). The problem with perfection. Thrive Global. https://thriveglobal.com/stories/the-problem-with-perfection/